I've been shutting down and shutting out lately. Wake up, take out the dog, make the coffee, leave my wife a note, go to work, do my job, come home, make dinner, give the family attention, go to bed, and repeat. Sleep is the only time I get to turn off my brain, and all the things going on inside it. Are my thoughts true? They are thoughts, not necessarily the truth, but feelings are attached to these thoughts. My head fills up with them, emotions take account, and I'm wrecked inside, yet I don't show it.
When you smash up a car, everyone sees it. They come to your aid. Ask if you are okay, can they call 911, can they give you a lift, and so on. Tell someone your emotions, especially the ones tied to depression, and watch them disappear on you. So you learn to keep it in. Sometimes the things you share will make people look at you different, and that's not what we want. We just want to talk about what is going on upstairs in our heads, without judgement, and with support from those we feel comfortable enough to confide in. It doesn't play out like that. So we smile, Tell jokes, share feel-good stories, and do whatever we can to not focus on what is really going on inside us. We want to enjoy being in our loved ones company without scaring them away. We want you to be comfortable over our own comfort, because we love you.
I look forward to a weekly prayer group. That's all I have for me these days. The sports car is gone, and driving up to a car show in a minivan as a spectator just doesn't have the same joy as it did when I was parked in with them. Going to the range, well, I just don't feel much like it lately. Go atving, no more 4-wheeler. Ride the motorcycle? Nope, it's totalled from that deer that darted out into me. Work on dad's old Dodge, no money or time. Write? Here I am.
I get trapped in my head with my bad thoughts. When I wake up, during my commute, when I'm in autopilot at work, and when things at home are escalating. The little one is throwing a tantrum, and my wife is upset, and I feel like an absolute failure. No matter what I do or say will be wrong, so I just get quiet and look forward to bed time.
If I met up with a friend and told them I feel like an absolute failure, I can't get things done at work as fast as they come in, I am failing as a husband and father, I'm struggling to pay bills, fix the house, and be there for others, they would probably leave before they finished their drink because something came up. That would be the last time I saw them. In some cases, they may say it's not me, it's the job, or my spouse, or the kid. They may offer advice that makes it worse. Nothing like opening the door just enough to let those bad thoughts turn into reality. We don't want that.
So what do we do? We give it to God and hope He answers us. We hope He intervenes and brings all truth to light. We try to drive out the negative with positive conversations and interactions. We want to be free from the self-inflicted hurt that we just can't seem to break away from. Sometimes we seek a therapist, someone who is not biased. Some self medicate. We have to ride out our storms rather than succumb to them.
I tend to post things that I can look back on in a low so that I can see I'm not worthless. I post things to see I am a loving father and husband. That I am a good friend. A good worker. I am not what the devil is trying to convince me. Even when it feels so real, it's not always true.
I asked my prayer group to pray for me this week in my absence, because I've been struggling mentally. I always pray for those who struggle with depression, but it is rare that I ask for help with my depression.
This is why many are shocked and surprised when someone they love commits suicide. She was the life of the party. He was such a great dad. She was so popular. Yeah, and they all did a great job at hiding their pain, for the sake of others comfort. The last thing we want to do is hurt the ones we love.
In close, if you are battling with depression, know you are not alone. There is help out there. Don't lose hope. Lean on faith. Know this storm will pass. Know you are loved. Know your life has purpose. Know I am praying for you. Love you. We got this. I believe in you.