Presence Vs Presents

Showing up is far more impactful than buying off.

I was fortunate to have some awesome parents growing up. They did their best to provide us with a great life. They also made time for us, even when it was difficult to do so. As a father of a toddler, and being a provider, I can surely say that it's tough to balance life out. Somedays I walk in the door, mentally and physically checked out. Then I hear a little excited voice exclaim, “Daddy!!! Daddy's home!! Hi daddy!!” Then she barrels down the hall to give me a big hug. My hardness melts, and the things I was planning to do get paused because the next four words I hear are “Daddy! Play with me!”

Even though the grass needs cutting, dinner needs preparing, the house needs cleaning, and things need fixing, I can't say no to her. Sometimes I tell her I need a few minutes, but then I tell her to think about what she wants to play. Sometimes it's coloring, which is great when I'm exhausted. Maybe it's a puzzle, or play with her little people in her doll house. Other times it's soccer or baseball in the yard. Maybe driving her power wheels, or go fishing at the creek. Then there's hide and seek, or the dreaded daddy monster attack! The list goes on. I can't begin to say how impactful these moments are in your child's life. It will carry on into their children's lives, for you set the example.

I have friends that only saw dad every other weekend. I have friends whose dad's were working late nights, two jobs, or constantly on business trips. Those fathers were great providers of objects. Yes, a nice house, cool toys, family trips, beach houses, but no presence. Even though they had all the coolest stuff, they were missing something. Dad's presence. I'm sure in the back of that father's mind that they missed being part of their child's life, but they also probably reassured themselves that the gifts they bought made up for it.

In the gospel reading today, Jesus tells a man that even though he has followed the commandments, in order to get into heaven, he must sell off his things and give to the poor. The man was very sad, for he had many things. At our gospel reflection group yesterday, we talked about the reading, which has more to say in length, from many different aspects. While discussing, I thought about those whose possessions mean more to them than getting into heaven. Then the old saying “There's no hitch on a hearse.” Followed by the talk I had with my mother about her possessions when she passes. I told her “Mom, you can leave me whatever you wish, but it won't bring you back. I value our time together. The memories we make I get to cherish as long as I live.”

Certain things hold memories. Like all the meals we had as a family around the dining room set. Let's not forget Nanas recipes we devoured over the generations. Our mix-matched dining room set came from a church garage sale, and a family member that upgraded theirs. It serves a purpose, and could easily become someone else's set in the event we inherit mom and dad's. I'd give our current set to a family who has nothing before I'll put it in the attic to collect dust. Many core memories of my family involved meals and stories shared around the table, and I believe it is important for all families to do so.

My dad always made time for me. Some days he took me to school, or surprised me by picking me up. He'd take me behind the airport and teach me about the planes. We went fishing, played games, did puzzles, and so on. I still remember him pushing me on the swing out back, or taking me to the park. I loved going to work with him and being his helper. I was learning his trade, observing and listening as he explained what he was doing when troubleshooting and repairing electrical circuits and equipment. He was an amazing teacher.

Recently a friend of mine was working multiple jobs, missing out on his children growing. He was missing out on family life. He was exhausted and miserable. So I said to him, why don't you scale back a little and be present more? Trade that fancy oversized truck in on something cheaper and more practical? Get rid of some stuff that you rarely enjoy. Use the money to pay for kids sports and be present on the sidelines. Take time to be with them. He didn't understand the concept. His dad was a work-o-haulic, so that's what he learned from him. You work and work and throw money at the mom and children. I feel bad for them, because you can see the sadness in their eyes when all they really want is his presence in their moments.

I'd rather be living paycheck to paycheck in a home that needs some TLC than be an absent father. With the struggle I had to get to fatherhood, I won't waste a moment of it. My spouse and I both work full-time, but are very present in our child's life. We may have loans out the nose, an ever growing list of to-do's, and have to go without things we could sure use, like some new properly fit clothes and date nights, but our world is our child. Enjoying time together, teaching her what family is, and enjoying God's grace is far more important than the objects money can buy.

What is most important to you? Is it what you provide, or the time you share with your family? Is it money, objects, or memories? Take time to think about what makes life's moments magical. I can tell you, when you are in the audience, your child isn't looking for Tommy's mom, or Jenny's dad. They are looking for you. When they are bored, they are looking for your interception and time. When they are sad or lonely, they are looking for you to help them overcome it. Your presence is far more important than what your money can buy. So please, for you and your family's sake, check your balances when it comes to time and treasure. Your presence far outweighs the presents you provide in your absence.